


home for the holidays

by fiveyaaas



Series: the classic roast®️timeline [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crack, Cunnilingus, Drinking, Exhibitionism, F/M, Face-Sitting, Inspired by Folgers "Home for the Holidays" Commercial, Oral Sex, Pining, Pseudo-Incest, Salt™️, Separations, Time Travel, Time travel fuckery, and what about it, it’s a folgercest sequel, porn with a (bad) plot, that’s right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:28:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28050930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: “ However, emboldened by the lack of other people around, Vanya and Five had stopped hiding their love any longer. Whether this meant on the subway, at the mall, in the hospital, at the zoo, on Reginald’s bed with the cameras zoomed in on strategic angles (Five could teleport, Sir Reginald should have thought that through), Five and Vanya refused to live under the rule of tyranny any longer. ”OR, the cursed Folgers commercial AU that multiple people actually asked for.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: the classic roast®️timeline [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2050386
Comments: 9
Kudos: 16
Collections: Harcest Ficmas 2020





	home for the holidays

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ellaphunt19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellaphunt19/gifts).



When Vanya and Five left the mansion in the Folgers Classic Roast®️ Timeline, their lives were changed for the better. Primarily, because they’d had to live so _subtly_ before. Years ago, when Five had eaten her out on the kitchen table and Sir Reginald had walked in, forcing him out of the home, they’d even been _mostly clothed._

Pyramus and Thisbe had a less tragic tale than themselves, truly. 

However, emboldened by the lack of other people around, Vanya and Five had stopped hiding their love any longer. Whether this meant on the subway, at the mall, in the hospital, at the zoo, on Reginald’s bed with the cameras zoomed in on strategic angles (Five could teleport, Sir Reginald should have thought that through), Five and Vanya refused to live under the rule of tyranny any longer. 

And, put in layman's terms, that meant that they fucked. A lot. Everywhere. 

However, tragedy struck again for Vanya and Five as these stories often go. (Technically, this is only the second story within this series, but the author would be remiss to not hint at future sequels. Listen, the world is in a state of fucking crisis. Sure, it’s gotten better since the first fic in this series was posted and things are starting to pick back up again, but sometimes life is fucking stressful and people have to write Cursed Folgercest™️ Sequels to _cope._ )

Tragedy came in the form of amnesia. (No, not really. That would be too easy of a cop-out, and the author would be remiss to not mention that the crack fic that was season two could _never_ reach Folgercest™️ Levels.) 

Tragedy actually came in the form of Five being a complete fucking idiot, trying to use chronokenesis to improve his head game, which is actually, if one thinks about it, a much more reasonable explanation for separation than a clear attempt to move the plot along/develop characters without actually, like, showing the development happen. And, yeah, characterization in season two would have been honestly wonderful for a third or fourth season, but seriously? Showing Luther’s lobotomy-esque personality transformation in a flashback that lasted maybe two minutes? Seriously? Couldn’t have just had them spaced out all over the world and shown us all the development there? And what the fuck was the point of showing them in teenage bodies if that was never once explored? 

Anyways. 

Vanya no longer experienced the best part of waking up. Each time she saw a person eating ice cream or yogurt without a spoon, an ache filled her heart. Each time she caught sight of her legs in her periphery, she missed the tongue that used to reside between them. Each time she watched the amateur films they’d created together, she shed a tear. 

The Folgers Classic Roast®️ Timeline wasn’t a blessed timeline at all; it was cursed. And it felt like every timeline that ever existed at all would include Five leaving her behind. (Or, well, it would if Vanya was completely aware of the multiverse. Canon technically hasn’t confirmed its existence, but canon also had an entire episode full of fart jokes, so… honestly, you know what? Sure. Vanya knows of the multiverse in this. Five can actually travel interdimensionally as well. Who the fuck cares anymore? Everybody’s gonna die anyways.) 

She started to lose hope that she would ever see Five again, taking an extra dose of pills every night just so that she could sleep. Sometimes, she wondered if her life was just a series of waiting, that she could not find purpose beyond knowing that something good one day _would_ happen but incapable of occupying her time until that day _did_ happen. 

Living life away from the mansion, though, was a miracle in of itself. She played her violin at all hours, started collecting succulents to take care of, and made a rule that no oatmeal would ever reach the confines of her home. And maybe, maybe she _could_ find happiness in solitude, but she also knew that no matter how much she distracted herself, she was waiting for something. 

She knew it in the way she bounced up when the door knocked, only to realize it was a pizza she’d ordered for that brief jolt of euphoria in her heart. She knew it in the way she would look to her side when she was reading a mystery novel, wanting to prove to Five that she’d finally been able to guess the killer rather than having a literary crush on them. 

She knew it in the way that she’d started to feel alone again. 

Day after day, she waited, wishing that he’d return.

* * *

And he did. Eventually.

* * *

It was the Christmas of 2021, and Vanya was drunk off her mind. This holiday in particular was always the hardest one without him, mainly because it was the one that he’d come home to her the first time he’d been gone. 

She wasn’t sure if she was holding out a sliver of hope, or if she had lost it completely. Tonight, she was leaning towards the latter.

Unwisely, she’d gone for peppermint schnapps, imagining that the wintery-flavored beverage would be festive. However, she’d never really _drank_ peppermint schnapps before, and it added the strangest texture to the hot cocoa she was sipping at. (She didn’t drink coffee anymore, to pay her respects to those lost.) 

Her stomach was twisting, her face felt unnaturally hot, and she could barely lift her head because it seemed like it weighed a thousand pounds. Hoping that getting more drunk would fix the problem, she took a swig out of the bottle of schnapps and gagged. 

It was as she was barfing onto her coffee table that Five appeared.

“Vanya?”

She glanced up, eyes widening as she realized he was actually there. “Five?”

“Are you sick?” 

“Oh, no. Drunk. Actually, don’t step right there.” 

He looked horrified, “How much did you drink?”

She glanced over at the ¼ full bottle, trying to calculate how much she’d spilled on her torso after cup three of the nasty cocoa. “Uh.” 

Five gingerly took the bottle away, blinking away to grab the trashcan from her bathroom and wordlessly handing it to her before he found cleaning supplies. Vanya kept falling asleep, wishing that her mind wasn’t supplying her with fever dreams of her long lost brother, which she continually pointed out to him. He frowned harder each time, eventually taking her to her bedroom and quickly washing her body before covering her in linen pajamas. She fell asleep right after, glad that he could at least have been there for a moment. 

* * *

When she woke up, he was lying beside her, and she gasped. His eyes fluttered open, not seeming to be grouchy about having been woken up. She climbed on top of him, nearly sobbing. “You’re home,” she said reverently.

“Yes, I’m home,” he promised, squeezing her hands. “I’ll always come home to you.”

She made a small noise, pushing him down and crawling over him until she was stationed above his face. He smiled up at her, eyes crinkling, and she sat on his face. As his tongue plunged inside of her, she remembered all the times she’d waited for him, wishing that he would come home. When her brother’s stubble scratched along her thigh, she stammered, “There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of you.”

She ground her hips against his face, “You’re all I’ve wanted for so long.”

Nails clawing into the headboard, she mewled, feeling his tongue circling her clit. Her stomach was coiling, and she could feel tears pricking her vision. His grip on her thighs stayed even, never faltering, like he was willing to die by suffocation right then and there. She rode his face, begging him to keep going, fully sobbing at that point-

She was abruptly flipped over, pressed against the mattress so that she was looking up at him instead. His tongue sank inside of her mouth, forcing her to taste herself, and she licked the slickness off his chin in return. 

He pressed hot open-mouthed kisses along her torso, leaving small bite marks along his way back down. Vanya’s hand weakly carded through his hair, trying to push him where she wanted him, but it only made him more insistent about paying attention to her entire body first. When he moved up to scrape his teeth along her collarbone and then down a little to close his mouth around her nipple, she told him what she wanted aloud, trembling underneath him and feeling tears wet her cheeks. 

Five’s eyes gentled, and he kissed her again. It was comforting this time, soft lips pressed to her own. _Tender._ He promised with chapped lips that he would never leave her behind again, and then he moved back between her legs, praising her in words that blended both sweetness and vulgarity. Cum was seeping obscenely against the sheets, and she wished that she’d had the foresight to lay down a towel. 

The more he spoke, the harder it became to focus on that though.

“I need you, Five. Please, please, _please,”_ she interrupted.

As he slotted his head between her thigh, she watched him, knowing he had to say something first. Softly, he told her, “You’re my present this year.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
